Crossroads

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It's the 1st of April. And I just realized as I type my first sentence that it's April Fool's Day today. Haha! It does not matter. I just feel like writing down my thoughts and feelings now. I just want to keep to myself all that's in my mind now. 

I can't count how many blogs I already made including blogs like this one where I pour down whatever I want to write. But most of them didn't really prosper. Maybe now this will progress. I even thought of creating a Tiktok account, with just texts and backgrounds of places, and music, remain anonymous, but still interact. I want interaction just to have insights of how other people think, or feel, with my situation. Maybe I will come across a caring individual with words of wisdom. Who knows. Sometimes our magic thoughts come in unexpected situations or unlikely people, or from a stranger. 

I'm at a crossroads now. It pains me that at my age I am still at a crossroads. I am either here or there. I have nothing on my name in spite of a successful career. I keep on making unwise decisions. But the last of it was the same time last year when I first came here. My daughter was left alone, and I was disoriented living in my parents' house with my brother's family and my sister. I prayed so hard for us to finally be here, but it was not easy. Sure, I just arrived. But you see, it was not like a vacation. It was like no room for adjustment because I was not the one in control. I felt helpless.

From then on, I surrendered to God. I still pray for the things I want to happen; I pray for my goals, but always with great surrender. I really don't know what to do. I came back here for over a week now. I can very well feel I am at my crossroads. Yes, it's true, compared to last year, and the months and days before coming here again, I am more accepting that I need to be here and yes, it's almost wanting to be here. Like what my daughter tells me, try it first.

That should be the correct attitude. Looking back, I give up easily when things are unfamiliar. Sure, relocating, uprooting myself, without my daughter is not just "unfamiliar". It's totally upending my life. 




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